Journal of Maria Santiago: Excerpt 4

I miss the days when the two of us spent our days fixing the ship.  Off to C-131 at unheard of speeds, but with plenty of time to spend in each other’s presence.  I was so giddy with love, dreaming of it being returned, wishing I had the courage to tell her.

So much has changed since then.  Susana turned from engineering to her old subject of existential risk, spending less and less time engineering with me.  Then she died, and I was without her.  Then she was reborn into a body younger than my own, so strange.  I told myself it would not matter, and whenever she is talking, it does not, but sometimes… I don’t know.  She is young and beautiful now, but I loved the worn face, wrinkled with the weight of many years of work and study, wrinkled with wisdom.  Now she looks so young and innocent, it is jarring when she speaks.  But I love her anyway.

And she knows it, too.  She planned to leave the Astral Zephyr, and I could come with her.  I dreamed of living our life together, until both of our bodies were old.  She asked to talk to me in a shuttle, to be private.  …But that never came.

She made up with Zephyr, and now they spend their time talking about ethics and goodness.  All their time.  Days now.  Engineering on this vast ship is me, and me alone.

I know that if Susana is staying, I am staying.  But… will she speak with Zephyr forever, or will she finish teaching what she knows?  I used to love it when we would discuss ethics, but… she never finished that, so I don’t know how much she has to tell.

I didn’t want to interrupt Susana.  I understand why teaching Zephyr ethics is important.  I understand why teaching an AI ethics is important to her, given her history.  But now we are on the final approach, readying to send out messages.  I need to talk to her before we take on new crew, and I find myself in charge of an entire engineering department.